Why? What's in it for the woman?

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Seven hundred million dollars’ worth of books & movie tickets has created a lot of interest in what is referred to as dominance and submission or more generally, BDSM. As I have been interviewed on radio & television I am asked the same three questions: 1. Why have you made your sex life public? 2. How do I get my partner to try this? 3. Where do I find someone who is interested in this?

The first question, “Why?” is easy; to educate the general public on the realities of our lifestyle. I say ‘our’ because there are many contributors to my book: journalists, photographers, (amateur) models and poets. The book is not one man’s opinion, but rather a collection of life stories, life moments, special thoughts and great recipes; recipes being the metaphorical outline for the five course meal that is the seduction of the submissive. Seducing a woman into submission is not fast food, it is not quick, easy or simple; hence the metaphor of a five course meal, which denotes time, preparation, quality, pride and giving pleasure on the part of the dominant.

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The entire book is essentially in answer to question #2: How do I get my partner to try this? The answer being first to understand the reality of it and then slowly, in stages, like courses of a romantic Italian meal, one course leading to the next, building up to the main course and ultimately desert,which is a relationship of depth and intimacy that you did not think possible. If you think just buying a riding crop and spanking someone’s butt makes you a Dom you are sadly mistaken. If you think letting your partner spank you makes you a submissive, you are equally mistaken and both of you are missing the real meat of the matter, which is the bond, the closeness, the intimacy that comes forth from a dominant and submissive relationship. It is about the relationship, not the spankings.

Most people seem to think that a Dominant and submissive relationship is just about sex toys but that is far from reality. Dominant and submissive relationships are about respect, intimacy, trust, connection and passion. It is that intimacy, that passion that holds couples together and once felt will not allow you to go back to a world where respect and intimacy are things not valued to the degree that we do.

Collared Cooking is not a legalistic book of ”how to properly obey your Dom”, or an instruction book on how to tie knots or anything of that nature. The book deals with the heart and soul of the submissive,  and the responsibility of the Dom to value and protect that heart and soul. It addresses the emotional journey that both parties undertake when they leave the safe shores of the vanilla world behind and venture into the deep waters of BDSM. I speak to the realities of the fear inherent in being bound, struck and possibly hurt by a novice that has no conception of ‘how to’, ‘how much’ or ‘how soon’. I explain to both parties what can happen when a man thinks that taking off your belt and beating a woman while demanding blow jobs is all there is to being a Dominant, and how both the body and the spirit can be terribly damaged when the Dom does not understand his responsibility for the safety and well-being of the submissive. It explains to the Dom the intense fears and feelings the submissive will go through as they give up years of feeling in control and release that control,  and give that power to someone else. There is far more to this than just buying a riding crop and smacking someone’s behind.

One main and very different aspect is respect. If you served in the military you understand the meaning , manifestation and pride of showing respect to others, but only 1% of the population does indeed serve. The other 99% may well not understand the depth of that term “respect” and what it means to both parties, the sense of connection that comes from giving or receiving true respect. Doms & subs do understand what it means to a loving dominant and submissive couple; both how it is earned and how it is given. That respect and trust of the two parties (in D/s) is 24 x 7 x 365 and is a feeling of security and commitment that binds couples together at a level not generally felt in the vanilla world. In a world where most relationship counselors essentially talk about bargaining for what each party wants, dominant and submissive couples focus on giving to the other with a sense of responsibility and knowledge that each party carries its share of the weight to make the union complete. The intensity of this type of relationship will be very new to both parties and will change your outlook on friends, family & work, all of which will become ‘small’ compared to what you learn to feel inside.

How does one get to this point? How does one introduce and entice a partner to want to taste a bit of this intoxicating lifestyle? Simply put, in courses. In my book, I use the metaphor of a five-course meal to discuss what happens at the appetizer stage, at the secondo corso stage, etc. and how each course leads to the next, in dare I say palatable bites because the reality is, if you try to force too much too fast they will choke and leave the table, and your exotic dining experience will be over. Collared Cooking offers a slow teaching experience and you must do so with genuine love and concern in your heart, especially if you are the in the dominant role, because as such you are the leader and carry most all the responsibility for what happens physically and mentally to your submissive, and this is no small weight to carry. Yes you may have a safe word, but if you are a competent Dom, one who understands the dynamics and psychology of submission, and is sensitive and attuned to your submissive as you engage her is a scene, she will never have to use that word.

Collared Cooking in not a book for the “you spank me and then I will spank you because it looked cool on 50 Shades” crowd. It is for couples whose relationship has either grown stale,  or who have realized they never actually got to that place of intimacy that they had hoped for when things were new and shiny; and this is a large percentage of couples worldwide. Women who wonder “Does my man find me attractive, exciting?” and men who wonder “Does my woman respect me?” will find those insecurities drifting away should they adopt the outlook, the mind set of couples in D/S relationships and not just playing at sex, but living the lifestyle. Both men and women might be very surprised to find that same feeling of belonging, that sense of pride and that each felt back in high school when she wore his varsity jacket or his ring around her neck on a chain. A feeling very different than ‘being married’, more basic, more primal, something deeply personal to only the two of you that no one else is privy to or understands. It’s good to share ‘a secret’. It’s good to feel young again.

And as to question #3, the “where?” question, $700 million dollars is a lot of books, movies and fantasies. It’s all around you if you have the courage, the open mindedness to just let it happen. I suggest you read the book and talk about it, asking questions: “What do you think of this?” or “Have you ever fantasized about this?” This is a very good way to start that conversation!