Self-help means Help Yourself

Reading the millions of dating advice tweets, blogs and articles after having actually been a professional matchmaker at one point in time I realize that more than anything finding that special someone takes work.  It takes time, effort and determination i.e. work.

It would be nice to find the magic key that opens the door to true love and great sex.  It would be great to be able to avoid the rejection, frustration, expense and confusion of dating, but there really is no easy way.   Fate?  Friends? Dating sites? Dating coaches?  Church groups? Dating portfolios?  All the above need to be rolled into a game plan to find that special love.

Surfing the net in your jammies won’t get you there.    Prince charming is not going to walk through the front door.  You have to be out there where you have the chance to meet someone and be prepared when the time comes.   Be careful how you present yourself and be careful who you are.   Who you are needs to be the best of what you yourself are, not someone else’s version of what you should be.  Don’t try to remake yourself into something you are not.  You will never be happy living a lie and sooner or later you will revert back to the real you and that will be the end of things.  Just be yourself and find that person that wants who you are.

At the same time, be sure that the ‘you’ that you are is not so ‘you’ that you become self-centered and self-absorbed.  Men have come to be aware of the self-absorbed woman and that is not what we are looking for.   Give more and take less is the formula for a happy relationship and it starts during dating.  But if you find yourself doing all the giving get out and move on.  It is a fine line we all walk….

What do we men really want in a woman?  According to Lori Gottlieb women are very picky about the qualities they must have in a man whereas men are actually quite accepting.   Gottlieb quotes a survey where women and men were asked would they accept a partner with 80% of the qualities they were looking for.  Whereas women laughed at the idea of “settling” for a mere 80% men were tickled pink to think they might get 80%.  Most men said 20% was a catch! 

What do men really want in a woman?  It is actually very simple.   Men want a woman we can talk to, who is communicative and articulate.   We want a woman we find attractive; not magazine photo shopped attractive, but ‘attractive to us’.  Men know that women who are too perfect are too high maintenance are too self-absorbed.  We want a woman who dresses nice, whatever that is to him and to her.  It’s nice to have a lady who dresses nice and takes pride in how she looks.   That does not mean she has to look like a Macy’s display window, just nice with a noticeable sense of pride.  Most of all men want a woman with a sense of humor; someone who can take life is stride and laugh at things.  And we like sex; regular, dependable sex.  A warm home with a good woman who is our best friend, good food and conversation, regular dependable sex and an occasional wild kinky night is about all it takes to keep a good man.  If indeed that is what you want.

What do women want in a man?  That is the never ending / never answered question.   Even Einstein could not answer the question of how to make a woman happy.  Don’t be that woman ladies.  Allow your man to make you happy and respect him for trying to do so and you will have a committed, loving man whose boots will always be under your bed and while he may 'look', he will not be 'looking'.


Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough  by Lori Gottlieb