A friend and contributor to my book yesterday wrote: "Why is it that when we, or people, talk about this lifestyle it's about sex, roughness, pain, dominate, submissive, kinkiness, punishment, BDSM, multiple partners? Why can't it be a man, woman, respect and love that we, people, discuss?"
My response was: “I (my book) have been interviewed on Radio and TV and am getting written up in a couple of magazines this summer and the interviewers always go right to the kinky sex. I think interviewers naturally go for sensationalism." I have been lucky to have been given time to explain the things Sam speaks of, and luckier still to have Sam contribute to the next edition of my book, which talks about our lifestyle from the heart, from the relationship, and not just the kinky sex stuff. It is a big challenge to try to sway the general public's perception but i have been gaining media interest more and more.
Having been born open minded and of the libertarian persuasion I had no problem embracing the dominant & submissive lifestyle. It came naturally to me as I explored my own sexuality and that of my lovely partners over the years. Or maybe it was because I dated redheads….
Growing up Catholic and spending much of my life as an evangelical Christian, I was always close to the sexually repressed and inhibited crowd, but I never really paid much attention to them any more than I focused on the materialism and greed of those same "Christian" types. I was more of a ‘He who is without blame” (John 8:7) kind of Christian. Having dated a number of divorced women from my church who related horror stories of asexual and / or abusive husbands who were pillars of the Church community I always took church sexual doctrine in stride. The lesson learned here was that people, all people, have secrets and sex, good or bad, is one of them.
Early in 2014 in hopes of dispelling the myths and misconceptions of the general public I decided to write a book about the reality of a dominant and submissive couple living the lifestyle, to explain the reality of the love, respect, trust and passion we enjoy. Wanting to take a new, lighter and more fun approach to the subject I chose the metaphor of a cookbook, a romantic Italian meal cookbook, to slant the message towards romance and emotion, something we understand, but the vanilla world does not. I realized that we have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide, and we cannot expect the general population to understand us if we do not step up and explain ourselves publicly.
Researching the subject I found that most all books were about hardcore BDSM, the more sensational the better. Many web sites were about selling sex services, “Pro Dommes” and the like who deal in degradation and public humiliation. Ugh. When it comes to sites dedicated to loving couples living lives of respect, trust, commitment, passion and belonging there was nothing, which means I have created my own genre. No small task.
So if the world does not understand us, it is our own fault for not expressing ourselves properly. There are some incredibly well written things out there, but for some reason they do not enjoy mass popularity. Good writing with bad marketing? There is also a lot of garbage out there, and perhaps the reality is that the garbage sites are what the general public is drawn to, sexual ambulance chasers, voyeuristic lookieloos who don’t have time to read about reality.
My hope is that my "naughty cookbook", Collared Cooking, a sex book written in a format safe enough that people will not be afraid to admit they are reading it and will gain popularity and start an open minded conversation about the emotional, relational side of our lifestyle. As I have been interviewed on TV and radio and print media I find myself refusing to even use the term BDSM in lieu of dominance and submission, or even simply submission, and make people realize this is a positive term, a term of respect, of love, of giving to another from a place of strength and courage. I realize this challenges the feminist status quo and that I will get a certain amount of kick back, but it is about time that society realizes that ‘girl power’ can mean more than women pretending to be men or indulging in misandry, and that submission comes not from weakness, but rather from a place of great strength, respect and love.
My book stresses the strength and dignity of women and the responsibility of men to acknowledge that strength and protect the woman who offers it to him. It is a conversation whose time has come.