A real Dom's view of Dating in 2015 - #3 How we got here / How to gain control again.

            Thirty years ago began the feminist assault on traditional relationships.  Unfortunately equity feminism (like good cholesterol) which had been around since the cowboy days (aka the women’s suffrage movement) slowly morphed into its ugly twin: gender feminism (bad cholesterol) and equity of opportunity and compensation devolved into equity of genders, leading to college girls thinking they could have meaningless sex just like the guys did without consequence.   And college boys everywhere thanked you!  Over the years dating devolved into group dating and hooking up took the place of going steady and having sex within a steady relationship.   Gender feminism removed the barriers that for centuries had kept men in place and allowed men to revert to the casual sex hunters of old.  And men everywhere thanked you!

Then a couple of movie stars made big news as 'older women with younger men' and hormone saturated young guys found an even better deal: older women with money who want sex with young men.   And young men everywhere thanked you!  Next to easy sex, young men like easy money.   Call it the law of unintended consequences as pertains to feminism.

It seems that in the 2000s gamesmanship and narcissism has replaced old fashioned courting and now we even have ‘Tinder’ to make things even less personal.  Things are not looking so good out there.  So how does a good man go about finding a good woman and get into a good relationship? 

For a guy who has known the pleasures of so many amazing ‘trophy class’ women I really have not ‘dated’ much, depending on how one defines dating.  An early adopter of internet dating most of my early associations with women were meetings, not dates.  Dates came later, if the meeting, just a chat over a cup of coffee, went well.  We men are simple creatures and once we accept who we are and what we really want, finding a good woman becomes a bit easier and a lot less expensive than what pop culture tells us it should be.

A Midwesterner, I grew up with a great appreciation for ‘a cup of coffee’.  That Starbucks guy is from Michigan you know… So it was only natural that for me having a cup of coffee and chatting with someone, male or female, was a simple, natural, honest way to get to know them.  People really tell you who they are very quickly if you just listen to them.  Being from the Midwest I also had a natural distaste for gold diggers, women with high expectations of men throwing money at them from day one; and moving to North Scottsdale I found out quickly how widespread this attitude had become.

As a professional matchmaker / dating counselor I had listened to hundreds of men and women talking about their deepest wants and hopes for their future.  I saw which ones succeeded and which failed.  Cutting through all the surface level stuff it all came down to a few key points and what I realized was that the happiest women, the ones most likely to succeed, were the women who simply wanted a good man to love them, treat them well, and protect them from the scary things of life.  The women who were never going to be happy were the ones chasing the magazine ad lifestyle and Hollywierd fantasies and basing relationships on money, expensive times and possessions.

Men were pretty easy to read.  The good ones, the ones any good woman would want, were also looking for a few simple things:  respect, friendship, good sex, trust, commitment and a sense of humor.  Respect is of utmost importance to a man; respect of his character, of his heart and soul, his values.   Friendship is crucial to a happy husband.  Men don’t have a lot of close friends.  We do not have a multitude of close emotional sources to talk about our feelings with.  Women really don’t understand that our woman is it with us, the focus of everything our hearts and souls hold.  To be our best friend is to answer the deepest of our emotional needs.  Next is good sex.  Regular, satisfying meat and potatoes comfort sex.  Regular means that the word ‘no’ should not be in a woman’s sexual vocabulary; not if she wants her marriage to be happy and content. Know this ladies: the minute you turn sex into a bargaining chip your marriage is on the road to ruin. Men may ‘look’ at other women walking down the street, but if we are getting sex at home that interest evaporates in seconds.  It is our mate we turn to with our physical needs, assuming she is there for us.  And that sense of humor… I cannot overstate the importance of being able to laugh at life.

Can you in fact identify the potentiality of a woman valuing these things in a simple conversation in a coffee shop?  Absolutely.

Next up:  A better option...