Ashley Madison's 32 Million Sexually Unsatisfied Spouses

32 million unfaithful spouses / partners are about to be outed.  32 Million sexually unsatisfied and relationally unhappy men and women who are so unsatisfied with their sex life they would turn to an internet site dedicated to arranging affairs for cheaters.  

According to and The Telegraph, 15,000 of those cheaters were using Gov’t or even military email addresses.  (It would be fun to know if any of them had a address?)  Wired reports that 90-95% of all users are male and that many of the female ads are fake.  This would be consistent with the natural tendency of men to be hunters, and internet sites to use fake ‘bait’ to lure the hunters in.

As a one time professional Matchmaker who has done hundreds of in depth interviews with accompanying psychometric profiles on people willing to pay big money and take the time to pursue finding mates I find none of this surprising.   More and more misandrous television, American materialism and militant feminism have cheapened the male-female paradigm.  Commitment, communication, respect and working things out has devolved into a point and click hedonism.  Men want the kind of sexual fulfillment they want and no amount of feminist propaganda or humiliation will ever change that.  Many women feel they don't have to give men they kind of sex they want or even withhold sex as a form of punishment or control. Ergo the dawn of Ashley Madison

Forgetting for the moment the sexually predatory nature of certain dot coms one really needs to look at the driving force behind them which is the millions of sexually and emotionally unsatisfied; a group that I speak about in the preface to Collared Cooking.  A group of very normal people living very normal lives, single, dating or married, who are emotionally and/or sexually unsatisfied and therefore live in a state of angst and continue looking for that connection, that bond, that sexual and emotional union that Abraham Maslow, in his paper A Theory of Human Motivation called the basic, most fundamental of human requirements.  I believe that our current consumer driven, materialistic and icon driven society has lost touch with these basic needs, needs that those of us in the dominant and submissive world satisfy daily.

In my roles as professional matchmaker and lifestyle Dominant and author I have counseled many women as to why a dominant male and submissive female is a natural, organic relationship that fulfills the man’s need for raw masculine sexuality and the woman’s need to be physically protected and emotionally bonded at the deepest level.   Men who are Dom to their submissive women do not need Ashley Madison or any other cheaters website to find the sexual satisfaction they very naturally long for.  Women submissive to their Doms do not need sappy romance novels to find the passion, connection and intimacy that all women innately desire. 

 One female ad read:  “…. “I love it when I’m called and told I have 15 minutes to get to someplace where I’ll be greeted at the door with a surprise—maybe lingerie, nakedness. I like to ravish and be ravished … I like lots of foreplay and stamina, fun, discretion, oral, even willingness to experiment—*smile*”   This could be a fake, written by someone who reads romance novels, or someone who has browsed the millions of BDSM online postings.  But I can tell you from twenty years’ experience, this is an old, common fantasy that nearly all women fantasize about and one I have done with many “normal” women of all shapes and sizes, races and colors, economic and professional statures and positions; church girls too, the ex-wives of pious, preachy bible fanatics with domestic violence tendencies.

Is the sex hot?  Yes, it is scorching HOT.  Submissive women know gut wrenching orgasms that their vanilla sisters only dream about.  Is it ‘kinky’?  That depends on one’s definition of the term.  The dictionary term is simply:  "nformal involving or given to unusual sexual behavior".    OK so what is “unusal”, and to who?  I know from experience in the corporate world that some of the wildest party animals at Las Vegas sales meetings who are heading off to strip clubs are the supposedly staunch married men away from their pristine wives.  I know that as a professional matchmaker there were a lot of “normal” married men who didn’t have home addresses, only post office boxes and pagers (this was pre-internet).   I know that preachers were some of the friskiest customers I had and brought more than a normal share of complaints from female customers.

As a Dom I don’t need to hide my sexual urges and fantasies from my subbie, who is happy to play them out for me.  That to me would seem more honest and normal than the cheating that has gone on for ages.  I don’t have to wait for the yearly Vegas sales meeting to play with strippers.  She takes me to clubs here and shares in my enjoyment and wild side.  Normal.  Honest. 

Some interesting data from the Smithsonian, Feb 10, 2014:

·       According to a 2005 survey by Durex, 36 percent of adults in the United States use masks, blindfolds and bondage tools during sex.

·       Melanie Berliet at Pacific Standard reports that the trend isn’t new, either — a study from 1953 found that 55 percent of women and 50 percent of men liked being bitten, and a 1999 study said that 65 percent of university students dream about being tied up.·        But in spite of the evidence that BDSM is commonplace—normal, even—those who openly adhere to the lifestyle are frequently marginalized. Susan Wright has written at length about the risks of disclosing one’s affiliation with BDSM, including discrimination, violence, job loss, and legal obstacles surrounding child custody

men who engaged in BDSM “were no more likely to have been coerced into sexual activity, and were not significantly more likely to be unhappy or anxious—indeed, men who had engaged in BDSM scored significantly lower on a scale of psychological distress than other men.”

But all this heady psycho babble detracts from the reality of the happiness of the closely bonded, intimately held passion of a dominant and submissive couple. The relationship, something very few people write about.  Not the toys or the red room or the glider (ugh), but the raw, open intimate relationship of a true D&s couple.

It reminds me of a tweet I got some months back from someone who said:  “If your book takes off Ashley Madison will be out of business:” 

I sure hope so.